Zo has always approached learning with ... caution. Especially gross motor skill learning. She is nervous. She seems to be a perfectionist. She doesn't like to make mistakes, particularly in front of people. I don't think she likes the physical feeling of not being able to be in control. I'm not sure... but she is different than her little sister who approaches gross motor learning with a 'I'm sure I could!' attitude. Sage seems sure that she can defy gravity. She jumps over the edge. Sage does not see her limitations in the same way at all.
Zo on the other hand likes to practice and practice on her own. Before she sets out she makes sure she really can do it. She makes sure it is safe. She makes sure that no one is watching her who will give positive feedback until she is really ready. This is a child who at three can hit a pitched baseball with a bat - but if we cheer will often say "that wasn't a good one. I'm going to try again. Stop cheering!". So we have learned to watch and listen to her. Wait until she grins. Then we can cheer along with her.
When Zo was learning to walk she would be most happy learning and practising on her own. She loved having a walker. She used that thing from 12-15 months steadily. Far beyond the point where she was steady. Far beyond the point most kids would likely say "I'm ready, let's go!". She let go much later than she could have. That last month or two she was basically CARRYING the walker around. Obviously steady and ready. And though we worried, we let her do her thing. Really, there was no choice. No encouragement or bribery or any other outside motivation was at all effective. It never has been with Zo. She will not do a single thing she isn't ready to.
I remember the day she let go of the walker vividly. She started in a busy room where people weren't really paying attention. I was. I knew better than to react but just watched her from afar. She started unsure, but as soon as she was confident of her ability she had a huge grin. Then she looked for attention from us. And we celebrated. We took her outside and she walked down a dirt road with her arms high in the air - celebrating her new skill and her new freedom.
Learning new gross motor skills is frustrating for her though. And today was no exception.
Zo has already mastered a running bike (a bike without pedals). She has been riding her two-wheel pedal bike with training wheels in circles on our main floor. Through the kitchen, into the dining room, through the living room and back again. She is happy and confident inside.
She asked today to try outside so we took her to a paved path where there weren't too many people. It was an overwhelming experience. There were many tears. She would try, get frusterated or afraid, and stop in tears. We know what to do in this sitation. We wait. We wait until she is ready to tell us what she needs. Or we wait until she tries again. We do not offer praise. We do not push her to continue. We look at her lovingly and wait for her to tell us and show us what she is ready for.
We didn't get confident today. We didn't celebrate today. We ended up in a sea of tears and frustration. It is hard to pedal and steer and watch the birds all at the same time. So after a time of crying she got off the bike and came and sat in my lap. I held her. She snuggled in.
I told her about how I also get scared and frusterated. I talked about giving birth to Sage. How it was something new. That I was afraid I couldn't do it. Worried it would be hard. Embarassed that maybe I wasn't doing it right. I also cried and got frusterated that it was taking so long to do.
She calmed down. She smiled. She snuggled in more.
I don't need to change how Zo feels in these moments. I can't. How she feels is normal. How she expresses them is what is embarassing for us adults. We aren't used to that. We are told to be strong and seem confident and sure no matter what.
Bloating her with praise. Bribing her 'if you do it, you can....' Shaming her 'don't be silly, you do this in the house!'. Pushing her 'let's just try again'. Or giving up on her 'let's just go play'. These things are not helpful. She has never let us get away with these - she reacts to them with anger.
I'm glad she won't accept praise or pushing. Bribery or shaming. I've certainly tried them, and maybe would have stuck with one if it had 'worked'. Zo has taught me about letting my kids feel they way they do. About not trying to change them or their emotions. The only thing she wants is a gentle, loving presence. Kind, honest words. And space to do it the way that works for her.
The thing about Zo is that while she openly cries and gets frusterated, that in no way indicates she is giving up. She takes a break, and all on her own, without suggestion, gets back on the 'horse'.
Turns out it was a day for celebrating after all :)
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